"The Circle Game"

"Through the crisp, swirling launch of our recall

Memories smile at yesterday's replay

September guides us gently into Fall

When woods begin to hear chill winter's call."

M. Jo Taylor, Autumn Poems

     As I was taking my Saturday morning bike ride today and enjoying the beautiful weather on the first day of fall, the song in the link below kept stealing back into my mind over and over again. The changing of the seasons always puts me in a contemplative mood, but fall in particular brings on a melancholy feeling tempered by comforting memories of past autumns. I love this season- the sights, the smells, the sounds, the tastes, the cooling temperatures. It is a delight to the senses. My children's reactions to autumn each year have reawakened reminiscences within me of my own childhood as I watch them relish the season, too.
    I have always loved Joni Mitchell's song as well, and now as a mother, it means so much more to me than it did earlier in my life. My children are growing up so swiftly, season to season. People always told me to enjoy the moments, even the trying ones, because time slips away all too fast and children grow up in the blink of an eye. I am trying hard to be mindful of this, for I know it to be all too true in my own experience. I am spending time remembering these years of growth as I look through old photographs lately. My son even stopped long enough in his play to sit on my lap as we watched the video clip of "The Circle Game" below. He said, "that was a good song, Mom. I liked that the boy was being hugged by his own little boy at the end." That is the key right there- passing on the love to the next generation. We may be "captives on the carousel of time" as it says in the song, but the love goes on, passed from each beloved child to his or her own children. Love your family today- life is not perfect, but in the end, there is love and that is enough.

 

 

Joni Mitchell's song "The Circle Game" (with lyrics)

In the Shadow of the Neuse

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"

-Matthew 6:27

“Begin doing what you want to do now.
We are not living in eternity.
We have only this moment,
sparkling like a star in our hand
and melting like a snowflake.”
~ Marie Beyon Ray

     I have had several ideas rattling around in the recesses of my brain all summer and have been meaning to sit down and express them here several times. To be honest, it has been such a busy and fun summer that I haven't been able to entice myself to sit still long enough to get the job done. But, I have convinced myself, that is absolutely acceptable. As stated in the quote above, this precious season has melted away and I have been in the moment during this span of time more thoroughly than I have in a very long time.

     Earlier this spring, I went through a difficult trial in the form of the possibility of a diagnosis of uterine cancer. There were a lot of doctor visits, a lot of invasive procedures, a lot of waiting to hear results, a lot of stress, a lot of prayers. In the end, everything came up benign. It was the best news I could have heard and I am still feeling so grateful to God for this reprieve. So many friends and family members reached out to support me, lifting me up in prayer and finally rejoicing with me after my last visit to the doctor.

     Not too long ago, I was driving back from the bike trail on the Neuse River that I have been riding on so much this summer. On the local country station, I heard the song I will post below. Some might think it cliched, but it expressed a lot of what I had been feeling after going through several months of stressful anticipation. Tears rolled down my face as I listened to it. I had heard it before, but this was the first time I had really paid close attention to the words.

     I will never forget this summer as one in which I truly lived. I made a point of getting healthy: exercising and strengthening my weakened body that I had neglected for far too long, making healthy changes in my diet and the diet of my family, and rejuvenating my mind with positive, encouraging thoughts and prayers. I have made a point of spending time with my family, really listening, really being there. I have spent far too much time in my life concerning myself with what comes tomorrow or next year instead of being here now.

     As I begin another school year, my goal is to continue in this line of thinking and behavior. I want to be intentional in the way I live, helping myself to stay strong and in doing so, making myself much more capable of caring for those around me in the way they deserve and the way I desire. As the song says, I intend to live like I am dying, savoring every moment, and loving those around me to the best of my ability.

Live Like You Were Dying by Tim McGraw



Remembering a Faithful Friend

"There is honor in being a dog." -Aristotle

     I am returning finally to my blog after not posting anything since last October. I just spent some time reading back through my past entries and remembered that I had written several times about mortality and the fact that none of us knows how much time we have to live in this world. I lost a good friend last December 8th and have attempted several times to write this post but have been unable to move forward with it until this evening.
     My sweet Mindy died in the wee hours of the morning after a sudden, mysterious illness that caused her lungs to fill with fluid and her body to shut down. She was only four years old and had always been playful and energetic. She truly loved our family and was happiest when she was hanging out with us, especially on camping trips. Her death devastated me. Even now, I feel guilt over having to make the decision to end her suffering. I still sometimes half expect her to come padding into a room, claws clicking, tail wagging in greeting. She used to sleep on a comfy dog pillow on the floor next to my side of the bed. I thought I had put all of her things away up in the attic but just last weekend, I found her beloved stuffed duck under the edge of the bed, unnoticed all this time. I am finally at the point now where this discovery first made me smile before I felt the familiar swelling of grief inside.
     I have been around dogs all my life and am always amazed at their love and loyalty for us faulty humans. They don't care what we look like, what kind of material goods we have, what we can do for them- they just love us. I am grateful for the time we had with Mindy. We all worked together to bury her in our backyard where she loved to romp and I still go out there and talk to her every now and again. I plan to plant some flowers there soon as a memorial to her. I still miss her and am fighting back my tears right now as I write this. God certainly knew what He was doing when He brought dogs and people together as companions. Our lives have been made that much richer with the brief time we had with Mindy and we will always remember her as a faithful and honorable friend.

Pondering in Goldengrove

to a young child

Margaret, are you grieving
Over Goldengrove unleaving?
Leaves, like the things of man, you
With your fresh thoughts care for, can you?
Ah! as the heart grows older
It will come to such sights colder
By & by, nor spare a sigh
Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie;
And yet you will weep & know why.
Now no matter, child, the name:
Sorrow's springs are the same.
Nor mouth had, no nor mind, expressed
What heart heard of, ghost guessed:
It is the blight man was born for,
It is Margaret you mourn for.

--Gerard Manley Hopkins

     I was reminded of this poem when my daughter recently teared up while we were driving to her school one morning. We were discussing the fact that autumn is coming on soon . When I asked her what was the matter, at first she said she didn't know but then admitted that although she likes fall, it always makes her feel a little sad, "like things are coming to an end." I have always loved fall with its myriad colors and the satisfying crunch of dry leaves underfoot, the scent of woodsmoke in the air, the energizing nip in the temperature, but I can certainly relate to that melancholic feeling she expressed. Winter is not my favorite season, though moving to the warmer climate of North Carolina has alleviated my winter blues to quite an extent. My many winters spent in New York State brought me to a point where I felt a heavy dread begin to grow inside when the first snowflakes flew in autumn. How delightful it was to discover daffodils beginning to sprout in January and bloom in February the first spring I lived down south. Even after sixteen springs here, I am still amazed to see those green shoots poking out of the ground so early in the year.
     Part of the reason I began this blog was the feeling Hopkins expressed so eloquently above: the sense of time's passage, of mortality, of the realization that life is fleeting. The somewhat overused expression "carpe diem" comes to mind. I look at the picture below of my children from two autumns ago and already they have grown so much, changed so much. My mind is set on making a conscious effort to make the most of each day, to create memories with my family,  and cease the mindless hurtle through the days, the months, the years. As the air begins to chill and the autumn colors begin their subtle, yet eye-catching creep across the green of youthful leaves, I choose to live in the now, enjoying each moment I am given on this beautiful earth with my beautiful family and friends. Here's to a spectacular autumn!